Sports Meme Power Rankings: Where Who Dat? Belongs To The Universe
Spencer Hall’s Sports Meme Power Rankings list the top ten most-discussed sports stories on the internet and beyond each week. These are determined by a rigorous process that incorporates a complex formula involving none of your business.
Jan 28, 2010 – 1. STILL AT NUMBER ONE IN SLIGHTLY ADJUSTED FORM: THE [CORPORATE EVENT WHOSE NAME WOULD COST $450 TO TYPE HERE.] If the NFL Playoffs were number one last week, they remain at number one in the form of the run-up to the Large Gridiron-Based Event, or the world’s largest corporate junket surrounding a football game: the Super Bowl. We’re not being too careful here: the NFL is attempting to order the cessation of the sales of even things as innocuous as “Who Dat?” merchandise, which is a shame because bad grammar belongs to everyone and is truly our most abundant natural resource as a nation.
Wait, I’m sorry to impugn the grammar of Saints fans, especially you Master Chief WhoDat. Say whatever you like, because you frighten and fascinate me simultaneously.
This will not work, since Saints fans obey only the laws of gravity and bayou justice, and will print “Who Dat?” gear in Uncle Boudreaux’s smoke-shack out in the swamp if they have to in order to properly represent their team. Indianapolis fans, meanwhile, are desperately waging a war with irony in the “WHO YA GOT?” battle this week between those arguing the relative merits of both cities. This argument is the only real game going on this week since no one’s playing any football, and no the Pro Bowl does not count for so many very good reasons. The current score based on comment threads on the internet is “Irony 458, Indianapolis Colts fans -28.” The arguments currently work out thusly, if you’re interested in picking a city to root for based not on the actual players on the teams, but instead on loose cultural affiliations:
New Orleans: Gastronomic wonderland, studded with striking colonial architecture found few other places in America, prone to flooding and patches of extreme poverty. HOLY COW DID YOU SEE THAT RAT. Blessed with a long tradition of both homegrown and adopted literary and musical talent, and currently enjoying underdog status as a unique multicultural city on the comeback trail following the worst natural disaster in recent national history. Sometimes, people get naked in the streets for tiny balls of plastic.
Indianapolis: Proud of their shrimp cocktail. Clean, mostly. Much less likely to get shot in than New Orleans. Ample parking day and night. David Letterman got his start there as a weatherman, and sometimes gave humorous but fake updates…which angered people. Not exactly diverse. The favorite, and therefore not the beloved underdog. Brushes and flosses, takes the garbage out promptly, and likes a good night out at Applebees.
So America, to review: you’ll root for who you want to be (New Orleans) while rooting against who you actually are (Indianapolis). Next week! Exciting interviews on media day and that woman with the tight pants from Univision! AY PAPI!
2. UP LIKE THE ASCENDING ANGEL ST. TIMOTHY: TIM TEBOW IS BRETT FAVRE BUT WITH JESUS’ PHONE NUMBER AND WITHOUT A VIABLE NFL CAREER. The Senior Bowl is this week in Mobile, Alabama, and Tim Tebow’s reviews are in:
Todd McShay says!
“He can’t play quarterback in the NFL, I’m convinced of it,’’ ESPN director of college scouting Todd McShay said. “From his delivery to his footwork to his accuracy, you have to absolutely strip him down and build him back up. And it’s too late.’’
Anonymous NFL scout who always pops up around this time of year says!
“I actually don’t think he’s that hard to evaluate at all,’’ said a high-ranking college scout for an NFC team. “To me, he’s just not a very good quarterback prospect. Now, if you want to rework his mechanics, his release, try to improve his accuracy, then you see a guy with this big frame that can throw.
“He’s a big-time project, no doubt.’’
Tebow’s posse–which this week includes his parents and a documentary maker following him through his transition from college to the NFL–should really learn the art of editing reviews, something Hollywood’s been doing with flair for years. The review “Most abominable piece of cinema ever grunted out onto celluloid, and a real nightmare of an experience for any moviegoer” is a lot more flattering when you say “REVIEWER: a real…experience for any moviegoer.”
For instance, McShay’s quote would look much better like this:
“…quarterback in the NFL…I’m convinced of it,’’ ESPN director of college scouting Todd McShay said. “From his delivery to his footwork to his accuracy, you have to…”
You hear that, Daniel Snyder? Trade eight picks, throw in $42 million in cash, and the St. Louis Rams will start to think about making Tebow to the ‘Skins a sure thing. You want to pay us $48 million? Well, we certainly can’t–wait, fifty or no deal. Fifty-three? Okay, you’ve got a deal, Dan.
Tebow also gets the nod here this week due to his apperance in a commercial paid for by Focus on the Family, which made its way down the intelligence chain in terms of people who comment on it: first bloggers (natch), then mainstream media, then talk radio, and then The View. It’s the food chain at work, and when Joy Behar gets to it you can be sure it’s just a few strings of gristle clinging to a very chewed-up bone. Whatever happens with the ad, there remains the slim possibility that it will run next to an ad for a gay dating site featuring two dudes making out, and if that happens the universe will truly be in harmony.
3. UP LIKE THE SPIRITS OF APPARENTLY NO ONE IN VANCOUVER: THE OLYMPICS ARE GOING TO SUCK. Speaking of Mancrunch.com: Johnny Weir has come under fire for his fur-lined outfits at the Olympics, and justifiably so because they are ILLEGALLY FIERCE. It’s practically a violation of international law to be that fabulous, but the law comes second to style for Weir. Besides the good news that you get to watch your more homophobic friends squirm in their chairs as Weir attempts to further national glory with his flamboyant routines, the Olympics hasn’t been rolling down hill with a lot of positive momentum. The weather’s too warm, the budget is bloated beyond all reasonable expectations, and attitudes all around are nasty in the city where preparations are currently entering “crisis mode.”
The only positive signs so far: curling remains on schedule both to save the games singlehandedly, and to take over the world as the next great spectator sport.
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